Jasper Hale and the Elevator of Doom
by simply-dazzling001
Summary: Alice has once again dragged Jasper shopping, but luckily, he escapes the humiliation awaiting him. What he didn't realize, however, was that he had unthinkingly escaped into a very small elevator with some very delicious humans.
1. You look FAB!

Jasper Hale and the Elevator of Doom!

**Author's Note: I do not own Twilight. This was my cousin's idea, and we wrote it together. Enjoy!! **

**JPOV, for the whole story. **

I _knew _it was a bad idea to go shopping today.

Alice, as usual, had dragged me to accompany her on one of her all-day shopping sprees at the largest, 20-story mall in Washington. I love my wife dearly, of course, but must she go shopping every single day??

*WHAP! * Well, that answered my question.

"JASPER JASPER JASPER JASPER!" she squealed, clutching my arm and hopping up and down in excitement. Instantly in this wave of my wife's excitement I felt better.

"OHMYGOSHJASPER**YOULOOKFABBEAUTYSALON**ISGIVINGAWAY FREEMAKEROVERS!" she screamed.

What?

* * *

I looked up, horror in my eyes. Not again. "I'm sorry, dear, where?"

Alice shrieked and pointed, and suddenly I felt my cold, dead vampire heart become even colder and deader than before.

My wife was pointing at the frilliest, most feminine, pinkest, girliest, womanliest, least manly place I had ever set my 100+ year old eyes on.

The store was in horrifying shades of pink so bright, so gaudy, and so feminine it nearly blinded me. On top of that, YOU LOOK FAB! was in big pink diamond-encrusted letters on top of the place. I furiously wished that I could have fainted like a human to escape the treachery that awaited me, but alas, it was not to be.

I numbly attempted to conceal my horror, and mumbled something subtle, but firm and clear in my wishes, something very intelligent and masculine, like "But wifey…"

Suddenly, Wifey's bright, beautiful, hyper eyes became those of the devil. Oh, dear. I felt the emotion in her tone down a little, and I relaxed. I summoned all my powers of Emotion Control to vanquish all her passion. I turned my persuasive voice on.

"Alice, dear, let's go and calm down and step AWAY FROM THE BEAUTY SALON…"

Alice, evidently seeing what I was doing, suddenly shot back with so much emotion and hyper-excitement, it left me momentarily speechless.

Then _she _turned her persuasive voice on. "But Jazzy-wazzy," she whined. Her gorgeous lips were in a pout. Oh, no. I've been through this before, every day when she attempted to take me shopping. She was melting away at my last defense.

"But they're having a makeover and I NEED TO GO SO BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I fought back with all my might. "But Ally-wally…" I wailed, all my manly abilities fading.

She hugged me and I suddenly felt strangely better. "I knew you wouldn't make me sad, Jazzy-wazzy," she cooed into my ear.

I mumbled and squirmed, trying to keep my eyes as far away as possible from the appalling pink femininity of YOU LOOK FAB! But she dragged me, kicking and screaming, past all the human smells-how could she do such a thing!- and into the store.

**DUN DUN DUNNN……And into the beauty salon he goes! Will he be horribly teased? [Just think. Beauty salon + Jasper + Emmett.] Will he ever escape Alice? Review to find out!! :] **


	2. Escape!

**Author's Note: I do not own Twilight. Thanks so much to Katlover98 for reviewing!!**

"Oh, look!" I said, a wave of hope coming over me. "Look, there's a LINE! Looks like we better go and come back another day, honey…" Another day, as in, the end of time.

I felt the anger in Alice's presence. "A _line_ is there?" she said furiously. And then she put on a wicked grin.

"No line will ever come between Mary Alice Brandon Cullen and her shopping!"

Uh-oh. I began to panic.

"Wait-what do you mean?" I asked weakly. Before I knew it she had marched in front of the furious-looking girls in front of us. When she came back, she was smiling.

"Don't worry, Jazzy," she said. "Those nice storeowner people said we could go in FIRST!"

"FIRST?!?!??!?!" I spluttered. "But- but how…"

Alice smiled.

* * *

I was getting desperate. Alice had dragged me, kicking and whimpering nonetheless, to the front of the line, and we were going to go in. I decided to make one last desperate move for escape.

"Honey, look!" I said. "Look-this place is only open to WOMEN," I said, gesturing to the girls in front of the store. "So I'll just wait outside now and meet up with you later!"

Alice wasn't deterred. "Jazzy, you silly!" she giggled, squeezing my arm even tighter. "Look, those guys are just coming out right now, and they even got the makeovers!"

I gasped. Several men were coming out of the store, all on the arms of girls, naturally. I could feel their humiliation and resentment.

They were smeared in makeup and blush and foundation, and their hair was combed down and gelled in ways no male's hair should ever be worn. Wait a minute, scratch that. Their hair was styled in ways no living creature with hair should ever be worn, male or female.

Their partners were giggling. When they spotted me with Alice, they snickered and shared conspiratorial looks. From what my powers were telling me, they all seemed to be feeling

"_Hey, look at that poor sucker!"_

I could not let this happen to me.

"Look, Jazzy, these humans really know how to live!" Alice said in wonder, pointing in awe at the manis and pedis that were being applied in the salon. Yes, even to men.

"Not for long," I murmured.

Now, I love my wife dearly. But this-wait, I got it!

"Alice, look over there!" I said. "A SALE!!"

"WHAT? WHERE?!?!" She spun around, frantically looking in my direction.

In that instant, I made a mad dash for the store entrance. I would have moved faster, but the humans in the area would surely notice if I had simply vanished into thin air beside Alice.

"JASPER HALE DONTYOUDARERUNAWAYFROM-" Phew. Safe. I knew Alice would never leave her place in line, especially for a discount. Now, then, where to go?

Away from **You Look FAB!** that's for sure. I quickly walked far, far away from that femininely grotesque shop. I knew I had a good 20 minutes to escape Alice and her crazed shopping antics. (No offense, honey. You know I love you. *wink*)

Hm…. I do recall…..

*GASP!* The National Museum of History CIVIL WAR shop!!! Of course!! I ran over to the mall map and quickly located the very manly, macho store, on the 20th floor.

"You are here," read the map, on the first floor. *sigh.* Oh well. At least it won't be any more horrendous than that repulsive beauty salon. (Still no offense, honey)

I casually strolled toward the elevator, passing the revolting food court. How do humans find that stuff so appealing?? Suddenly, as I reached the elevator, my mind turned to what _I_ found appealing. This was my mistake.

**Yeah, nice going Jazz. Haha. Can we get 5 more reviews before I get the next chapter up? Pretty please? I promise it will get funnier once he's in the elevator!! **


	3. Chili Cheese Fries

**Author's Note: I DO NOT OWN TWILIGHT. To pull a page from Bella's book, HOLY CROW!! 13 reviews!! Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed!! Glad you like it so much! And sorry to Katie Cullen56; I wasn't trying to make fun of or offend Jasper, honest! Sorry for the misunderstanding! **

I stepped into the elevator, the fiery thirst building up in my throat. I would have breathed a sigh of relief if it didn't require opening my mouth.

Good. There was only one human entering the elevator, and he was stuffing his face with some disgusting human food they called "Chili cheese fries." Gag. **[No offense to anyone who likes chili cheese fries! I love them too!] **

I smiled at him as I entered, trying to be polite, as Alice always reminded me, and he gave a half-wave with his French fry. Unfortunately, he had apparently forgotten about the chili cheese, because in the next moment, I was hit with some strange brown sauce.

I shuddered, and tried to casually wipe it off my cheek. The man did not notice and continued stuffing his face, pressing the "2" button on the side of the elevator with a sloppy pinky. Good. He would be getting off soon enough.

Suddenly, the man got very, very hungry, and began shoving the fries further down his throat. Very, very unfortunately, his hunger hit me like a cannonball, and I was reminded again of the fiery thirst.

The blazing fire consumed my throat, making it hot, dry, and achy with thirst. The sheer agony of it all nearly drove me mad, but then I looked at the enormous human eating the brown and yellow mixture and my thirst died down a little, replaced with disgust.

Floor 2 came now, and I eagerly waited for the large human to step out of the elevator and give me some clean air. When the doors opened, however, he stepped outside, and I was about to press the button to close the door when I was hit with a wave of confusion and the man realized, "Whoops. This isn't my floor."

And he brushed past me as he reentered the elevator, a family coming in with him. It took all my self-control to firmly press my lips together in a straight line, suppressing a gape. I slowly raised and lowered my shoulders to make it look as though I was breathing, but I dared do no such thing.

"Hello," the father of the family greeted me.

I smiled weakly, trying to hide the desperate fires clawing at the base of my throat.

"Hi," I responded, and quickly shut my mouth to avoid letting in the slightest scent of any human. One syllable was all it took for my vampire senses to catch a whiff of the mother's sweet, sweet perfume.

**Ok, that chili cheese guy was gross. I feel sorry for Jasper. So, what will happen? He's still got 18 floors to go!! Review review review, please!! Thanks! **


	4. Why oh why oh why?

**Author's Note: I do not own Twilight. THANK YOU SO MUCH TO ALL MY REVIEWERS!!!! I jumped on here and saw 17 reviews after just 3 chapters!!! Thanks so much! Also, edwardsbaby123 helped give me an idea for this chapter, so thanks again! **

My eyes bugged out, and I swallowed furiously, trying to ease the flames. They were not stopped. The mother of the family pressed the "12" button. Oh dear. They were going to be here a while. Suddenly, an annoying chirping call, sounding frighteningly like a distressed pelican, erupted from the mother's purse.

She frantically scrambled in the trash heap and fished out her cell phone. Meanwhile, I scooted back as far away from the people as I could, trying to avoid the large human's box of chili.

While the mother's back was turned, chatting on her phone, her husband snickered and whispered to his kids, "Hey guys, watch _this_." It only took a second for waves of sneakiness to hit me before I realized what the man was doing. Quickly, he hit every single button on the side of the elevator doors, including 13-20, even though they would be long gone by then.

The father snickered some more and my eyes bugged out in fear and horror. I decided immediately to escape once the doors opened on floor 3, and take some other elevator. Or possibly the stairs.

Then, I felt a small tugging on my jeans. I looked down to see a small boy, about 5 years old, pulling on my pants and looking up at me with big curious eyes. **[Thanks edwardsbaby123!] **

"Hey mister, are you okay?" he asked. I probably must have looked terribly thirsty for a 5-year-old to ask me that.

I nodded quickly and looked up, closing my eyes from the sight of the blood flowing through the young boy.

Sympathetically, the boy patted my hand, and I felt awful when his warm flesh hit my cold granite skin. Great. Just great.

First I'm painfully thirsty, and now a 5-year-old is feeling sorry for me? No way would I ever live with myself if I let the scent of the little boy get to me. Not to mention the teasing I'd endure if Edward and Emmett ever found out I had received the sympathy of a kindergartener.

Meanwhile, the thirst burned and raged in my throat, and I desperately wanted to grab one of the humans, preferably not the 5-year-old, sink my teeth into their warm, pulsing flesh, bite down and, – NO. Bad Jasper.

I closed my eyes, wishing I had gone hunting yesterday when Edward and Emmett had invited me. Curse my model Civil War battlefield diorama. Curse it! Finally, the elevator doors slid open and I burst through the people, ignoring the fierce flames clawing at my throat.

When I pushed past the chili guy, however, I was quite distressed to realize that some of the cheese had gotten on my hair. I paused at the entrance of the elevator, and tried to wipe the filth from my head.

The large human saw what he had done, and said, "Whoops. Sorry, buddy. Let me get that for you." And then he tugged on the back collar of my shirt and pulled me back into the elevator, wiping a napkin on the back of my head.

When he finished, I nodded and raced toward the door again, only to be blocked by two teenage girls entering the elevator. I was trapped. There were now eight people in the elevator, one crazed vampire on the verge of exploding, and a fierce, unforgiving fire that blazed mercilessly throughout the vampire's throat.

I was dying. Utterly dying. If I hadn't been in such agony, I might have found my thought "punny." But I was in absolutely no mood to let out even the slightest chuckle.

I desperately counted the moments I was trapped in the elevator with the delicious aroma of 8 humans, as well as the moments the deep fire continued to rage in my throat.

*DING* Floor 4.

*DING* Floor 5.

*DING* Floor 6.

One fire. Two fires. Three fires.

At each floor, at least one group would leave, only to bring in 3 more people.

I watched pitifully as each human entered and left, their thick red blood pulsing throughout their veins, showing through their soft, warm flesh. Each floor created more regret for me.

_WHY_ hadn't I just stayed with Alice?

_WHY_ couldn't I just go through with the beauty salon and be done with it, instead of this fiery, blazing agony?

_WHY _didn't I go hunting?? WHY?!?!

***

I tried to focus on the other emotions, instead of my own. The chili cheese man was definitely not helping, so I tried to block out his hunger rays.

I didn't even know hunger was an emotion, but hey, these ARE humans. They eat to live and live to eat, as Edward always said. **[Taken from the movie **_**Over the Hedge**_**] **

The father of the family was still amused at his prank, while his wife, who had just hung up her cell phone, was definitely not pleased, and had complained about missing some informative meeting going on at floor 12, while the father screamed back at her that she had had serious issues with her crazy love of plants and had no business attending a "Ficus, figs, and flowers" meeting.

I tried to find some humor in their argument, but I just HAD to escape. I don't know how I would make it. I suffered war. I suffered vampire transformation. But how could I possibly suffer through this elevator ride?!?

**How can he possibly suffer through that elevator ride?!? Review review, please! :]**


	5. Return of the Vampire

**Author's Note: I do NOT own Twilight. EEK! 20 REVIEWS! Did I mention how much I love your reviews? THANK YOU SO MUCH! You guys rock!! Also, if you noticed, I used edwardsbaby123's suggestion in the last chapter, so feel free to leave me a review if you want me to add you (or an idea of yours) into a story of mine! I probably won't be able to do it anymore for this story, since there are only 2 chapters left, but if you want to make you a guest in one of my other stories, go check out my "Twilight Fortunately-Unfortunately Game" and "Road Trip with the Cullens" on my profile and leave a review! :] And….back to Jasper!! **

Floor 8 seemed like a good chance to escape. The chili man had gotten out at that floor, as well as the two teenage girls, and some lawyer who had stepped in at floor 5. I began to sprint through the metallic doors when I heard an angry voice shrieking at vampire speed,

"JASPERWHITLOCKHALETHEREYOUARE,YOUAREINSUCHBIGTROUBLEYOUNGMANDON'TYOUDAREDOTHAT_EVER_AGAIN!!DOYOUHEARME??WHAT ARE YOUDOING?NO!COMEBACK!WEHAVETOGOTONORDSTROMSTHEYHAVEASHOESALEFIFTYPERCENTOFFCOMEBACKHERERIGHTNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

**[Translation: Jasper Whitlock Hale, there you are, you are in such big trouble young man, don't you dare do that **_**ever**_** again! Do you hear me?? What are you doing? No! Come back! We have to go to Nordstrom's, they have a shoe sale; fifty percent off, come back here right now!] **

I panicked. No way would Alice risk exposing her vampire status by flitting to my side across the mall in the two seconds before the elevator doors closed again.

I hurriedly took a deep breath and reentered the elevator. I heard faint cries of, "Jasper..!" but the elevator moved up and Alice was gone.

I was once again, trapped, and still very, very thirsty. I knew very well that Alice would know where I was heading, so I had do make quick, snap-second decisions to avoid her and her terrifying shoe sale. Nothing worse than an angry Alice Cullen with an armful of high-heels and a discount card.

It was only after that last sigh of relief of escaping the wrath of Alice, Furious Shopping Zealot, when I was hit by all those overpowering smells of delicious red blood that I realized that I was, again, trapped in an elevator with a bunch of delicious, blood-filled humans.

I recalled my days of training in the Civil War and with Maria. Slowly, I breathed and tried to use the anti-human blood mantra Carlisle had taught me. I pressed myself against the wall, hugged my chest, and began murmuring to myself:

"I am a good, decent person, blood belongs IN bodies, not out. I am a good, decent person, blood belongs IN bodies, not out. I am a good, decent person, blood belongs IN human, not out-"

There was a big laugh behind me, and I opened one of my eyes to look at the teenage daughter of the family, wearing a black T-shirt that read "TEAM TWILIGHT."

Humans are so strange. Why support a time of day? The girl was snickering at me. I felt my face grow hot with embarrassment, though it really did no such thing.

Major Jasper Whitlock, vampire, Confederate soldier, Southern army official, hugging his tummy with his eyes closed mumbling to himself over and over again.

I must have looked ludicrous. I prayed that no darn Yankees-or worse, _Emmett_-would ever see me in this position again.

But apparently that was not what she had found so funny.

"You have to allow blood to stay in people's bodies or you're not a good person?" She snorted.

Sympathy from 5-year-olds and attitude from teenagers. What next?

I held my breath as I asked the strange girl, "Who are you?"

Still chuckling, she replied, "Sydney. And I repeat, you need to keep blood in people's bodies or else you're a bad person? Ha! What about Robert Pattinson?" **[No, I do not know Robert Pattinson personally, and mean no offense whatsoever. :]**

I frowned. Robert Pattinson? What the Volturi did he have to do with blood in people's bodies?

It wasn't as if he were a vampire or anything, as I know, he doesn't look like any vampire I've ever met, though I suppose he has quite a bit of Edward in the sculpt of his face and that odd bronze hair.

I ignored Sydney's strange comment, closed my eyes, and continued mumbling. "Blood stays IN human bodies, not out, blood belongs IN human bodies, not out..."

Suddenly, right out of the blue, the elevator door opened, and before I could make a mad dash for it I was smothered by two burly quarterbacks dragging a boy whose face was covered with blood.

"Don't mind us, our friend just needs to visit a doctor," said one of them. The other one snickered. I looked at the kid whose nose had been rearranged. His blood was smeared all over his face, thick and red and beautiful.

I wanted to cry.

**Aw, poor Jasper. What is that football player doing in a mall anyway? No idea, really. Epilogue coming next! Please review!! :] **


	6. Epilogue

Epilogue

**Author's Note: I do not own Twilight. Thanks so much to all you guys who have been following Jasper's pitiful mall trip!! Here it is: Last chapter!! Review, please! :****] **

"Well, Jazz, what have you learned today?" Emmett had a smug smile on his face and was feeling rather proud of himself.

I sighed.

Alice must have seen me suffering in that elevator what with that delicious blood smeared all over the football player's face, because when I attempted to escape 3 floors later, at yet another food court, my whole family was waiting for me.

As I dashed out of the elevator, I accidentally crashed into Emmett.

Even more unfortunate, the elevator doors had not closed yet, and the seven humans in the elevator stared wide-eyed at my mad, frantic sprint, as well as my collision with some huge laughing guy who must have looked like an extra-large bodybuilder on steroids.

Luckily for us, Alice had seen this coming, and quickly came up with a reason to excuse my desperate panting. I probably should have kept quiet on my way out of the elevator, as this made things more difficult for Alice.

As I sprinted, I was shouting, "AIR!! AIRRRR!!!!! OH, THE AROMA!!! THAT _SMELL!!!_ AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" Needless to say, that probably would have looked like a very strange scene to a human.

The humans' eyes on our faces, Alice quickly explained, "Sorry about that. He's…er, allergic to perfume."

Then she flashed a quick smile –I think Bella once referred to it as "dazzling" - and spun around, heading for the parking lot. As soon as we were all outside, Alice glared fiercely at me, and continued glaring at me like that until we got home.

Emmett, waiting for an answer, folded his arms across his chest and cleared his throat.

"Jazz……….what did you learn today?"

"Never agree to go shopping on a Friday."

Carlisle cocked an eyebrow. "And….?" he pressed.

I sighed once more. "Consult with Alice before getting on an elevator with delicious- smelling humans. And don't run away from Alice when she's standing in line for our makeovers, even if it is embarrassing. Because she knows what she's doing (usually) and only wants to help (usually)."

Edward chuckled a little when I thought the word "usually" in my head, but before anyone had the chance to ask what he was laughing at, Carlisle said sternly, "Good. And I certainly hope Alice's explanation was enough for those humans. Edward?"

"Oh, it was, Carlisle," Edward answered promptly. "In fact, they were so distracted by that grotesque football player to even really think about what Jasper did."

"Thank you," I said. "So I've learned my lesson. Can you _please_ untie me now?"

_ The End _

**Hee hee. What did you think? Personally, I think this story is one of my favorites. Please please, review review review!! :****] Thanks for reading! **


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